Post-Discovery/Disclosure First Aid

This post-discovery (or post-disclosure) first aid for either partner is based on the wisdom of hundreds of support group members who have been where you are. The sections are presented with the highest priority strategies for the newly discovered first. You can also jump to any section using the links above. Since your situation is unique, let your intuition guide you in discerning which strategies are best for you at this time. You didn’t choose to be betrayed, but you get to choose how you move through your healing journey. No matter where you are right now, it is not only possible to recover, but to feel absolute joy, peace and love again--indeed, to thrive beyond infidelity.

Love Yourself

In the aftermath of discovery, it’s not unusual for self-care to go out the window, perhaps for some time. But this devastating period is also an absolutely crucial time to initiate self-care. Just as there is no shame when things fall apart in a devastating time, you can forgive yourself at any stage of your journey for a dry spell of self-care, and begin to love yourself again. 

1. Use this Self-Care/Self-Love Playsheet (in 3 parts) to explore possibilities of self-care across multiple domains of well-being.

2. SHAPED by Self-Care: the acronym SHAPED can remind us about self-care. Feel free to make up your own acronym using whatever themes are most healthy and relevant for you currently.

• • Sleep: take some care with sleep hygiene (even though sleep may be difficult).

  • Hydrate: drink fluids throughout the day, carry a bottle if necessary.

  • Access support: via a good friend, therapist, support group, web forum, etc.

  • Practice: healthy, effective, healing practices (e.g., yoga, mindfulness).

  • Exercise: get moving, stretching, lifting, whatever you will do regularly.

  • Diet: balanced, healthy eating (even though eating may be forgotten).

3. Self-Care is All-Care: Self-care isn’t just individual, it’s collective. We are sometimes conditioned that self-care is selfish, and that we “should” take care of others first. This can result in some subtle self-sabotage, for example by believing we don’t have time. Yet self-love actually benefits everyone in your life—especially your partner (if you are reconciling). SelfAll-care is a great way to work on all your relationships, since any wellness you cultivate personally gets shared in your social network. A corollary to this is the importance of hanging around with the healthiest, most supportive people possible, and avoiding the blamers, shamers, and drainers (see next point).

4. Embrace the Gains, Let Go of the Drains: Let go of, move away from, get help for, or put up boundaries toward people, situations, actions, and substances that drain, harm, or otherwise don’t feel good to you. 

5. Highest Need? If we are used to taking care of others, it can be hard to even think of our needs, let alone give ourselves permission to meet them. Can you start by thinking of your highest/best personal need, right now? Now (very simply), can you give that to yourself in some way? For example, you might feel exhausted, and your highest need is sleep ... can you have a nap, or go to bed earlier? If your highest need is to not feel so triggered by your partner, can you make a little bit of space and autonomy from your partner (e.g., they watch kids while you go for walk or see a friend).

Test Yourself

Ideally, everyone involved in the affair (along with their partners) will get screened for sexually-transmitted infections or diseases. This requires disclosure to everyone, which can be a hurdle. Whether or not the affair partner (and their partners if applicable) have been informed, getting tested is critical even if there is 99% certainty that the affair was not physical, since getting complete honesty immediately post-discovery is rare. 

Protect Yourself

At a basic level, protecting yourself includes firm boundaries with your partner and/or the affair partner (e.g., minimizing contact with your partner if you are separating or needing space to heal, or requiring no contact with the affair partner). 

Infidelity often includes financial betrayal, which could be mild (taking affair partner to dinner), medium (gifts, hotels), hot (giving away family assets to support the affair partner), or extra spicy (total bankruptcy to pay for sex workers). Protect yourself by checking and securing financial assets/accounts. Secret credit cards, burner phones, dating/hookup website costs and more can all impact the bottom line. 

Depending on the local laws in your region (fault or no-fault divorce), it may also be important to gather evidence of the affair. Do this before confronting your partner and/or they potentially cover their tracks. Having photographs, screen shots, access to secret accounts (change the password), downloaded messages or other evidence may help you in case of an eventual separation or divorce.

Trust Yourself

Once you get some self-care going, you have a robust base from which you can begin your healing journey. In that journey you will get to make many decisions, and take many actions big and small. Here are some considerations for how to approach those decisions and actions.

1. 2 out of 3 Ain’t Bad: When making decisions (major or minor) trust what your heart, head and gut agree on (or even two out of three)! If you can’t feel your body, get some help in therapy or practice interoception.

2. Give Yourself Time: There may be long stretches where you don’t know what to do or what decision to make and this is okay. It’s very good to avoid making decisions when in the extremes of an emotional tailspin anyway. Allow yourself as much time as you need to decide things. At the same time, do not hesitate to do immediately what is healthy and appropriate for you, when you feel some certainty about it (see a. above). 

3. A Small, Gray-ish, Decision (That You Change Later) … is Still a Decision: Allow your decisions (and life) to evolve and change over time. There are rarely any absolute outcomes that can’t be undone. So consider that decisions can be small steps along a continuum, instead of making everything black and white. For example, in between total commitment to a monogamous marriage and complete divorce, there are a huge spectrum of intermediary options (including doing more things independently from your partner, trial/temporary separation, psychological or therapeutic separation, legal separation, nesting, or cohabitation). So let your bigger decisions be made up of small and gradual little ones, and also let them change over time.

4. You Aren’t Alone: Get help to support you with and through decisions. Also sense when to ignore advice (like from this list). You can also safely ignore advice from judgemental/naive/triggered friends (and sometimes therapists) who don’t seem to understand infidelity. These people may be well-meaning, but ultimately unhelpful to you if you trust that a different choice than they want for you would serve you better.

5. Clarity Will Come: You will know when you know. Think three out of three instead of two out of three!

Share Yourself

HEALers may choose not to share out of shame, isolation, or any number of reasons. Eventually though, keeping things inside builds pressure and inhibits healing. Healthy sharing with others, such as in a support group, with a therapist, or with friends or family is a doorway to healing and critical aspect of recovery. 

1. Sharing what you are going through is one of the powerful aspects of healing.

2. Not sharing can be one of the greatest impediments (and stresses) to healing.

3. You have the right to share, and you get to choose who you share with.

4. It is possible to balance sharing for personal support and honoring a relationship.

5. Not everyone will be a good listener or supporter, and you can spot such people when they:

   • blame you;

   • judge you or your partner (though partner bashing may feel good, you need to be the focus);

   • get overly upset, angry or otherwise not be able to holding supportive space for you;

   • project their own stuff onto you (including their own infidelity experiences, if any) including what decisions or actions they feel you “should” take.

6. Some people will be incredible listeners and supporters and you can spot such people when they:

   • do not blame or judge;

   • listen deeply and non-judgmentally to understand you;

   • show empathy and compassion;

   • ask how you would like to be supported, and when, and how much.

7. You can usually tell when it’s okay to share because of any of the following: 

   •  you feel in the depth of your being that it would be good to share with a particular person;

   • you trust the listener has the capacity to listen/support in the way you need; 

   • sharing is going to bring some goodness or love to you or this world in some way.

8. When you are really struggling with sharing (or not), ask yourself what your intent is with the sharing. For example, I remember wanting to tell the affair partner’s wife about the affair, but realized my intention was only to cause harm and pain to the affair partner, not so much to “help” her. Consider the entire situation, and then go in the direction that feels lighter and more loving long-term.

9. Good listeners/supporters may not come in the package/person/manner you expect. Your best friend or family member may end up being the last person you need to talk to. However, the not-so-close work colleague, distant relative, neighbor, volunteer group member, or person on the bus could become the greatest support you ever wanted, but never expected.  

10. It’s effective to tell listeners/supporters up front what you need prior to sharing. For example, do you need them to simply listen, give support, offer perspectives or a combination? 

11. Talking about betrayal helps reverse a bias in society that wants to keep infidelity a secret. You will be doing a public service, if nothing else.

12. Revisit and repeat "self-care" and "talk, share, open up" above.

Support Yourself

Without reconciliation (which is a two person job), personal healing remains as everyone’s birthright. Even when the unfaithful partner has left (with or without an explanation), or is not willing and able to reconcile, the faithful partner has infinite healing and thriving potential. The phrase “healing alone” is ridiculous because nobody has to heal completely alone. There are always friends and family, or support groups and therapists if friends or family don't work for you. The person who betrayed you may not be in the picture, or fading from it, but there are billions of other people in the world looking to be well and flourish.

If you are not reconciling, you may feel lighter from not having to be triggered by your partner. Reconciling requires a lot of energy, and can generate great upset, so not doing it may be considered a benefit. Healing without reconciling also offers a powerful potential for personal healing, transformation, change and renewal. You can become healthier, happier and more loving than ever before, especially if you try the following. 

1. Get separation help: If separating, find a mediator, lawyer or other professional to help you through the process. Have multiple consultations to find one you feel right with. Protect yourself physically, financially, and in terms of custody. Stand up for yourself, especially if your partner is abusive or  manipulative.

2. Get Help: you may feel alone but you do not have to be alone. Be open to people who are willing and able to help you. Your “friends” may help or may disappear and those you never expected may come forward (e.g., in-laws!). Help is everywhere and infinite. Allow it to come to you in your time of need and actively seek support and help for yourself and your family where needed. Join a support group for those dealing with infidelity and find compassionate support.

3. Allies/Supporters: you are only as alone as you wish to be! The first seven strategies in this document can help you find supportive others.

With reconciliation, if the unfaithful partner is willing to transform and heal in a healthy way, the potential for healing is there for everyone. It is vital to explore the top reconciliation strategies and assess effectiveness.

Reframe Yourself

Don’t take the affair personally, it has nothing to do with the faithful partner. Sometimes, the faithful partner will put some responsibility on themselves, and/or the unfaithful partner may even outright blame them for the affair (though this is deeply flawed/wounded thinking). Nevertheless, the affair is always 100% the choice of the unfaithful partner, and reflects their vulnerabilities and their opportunities and their choices. Responsibility for​ the relationship ​is shared, but infidelity is a choice that ​has nothing to do with the faithful partner, no matter what issues there may be within the relationship. There are great relationships that have affairs and toxic relationships that do not. This frees up precious emotional energy for healing.

As much as you are able, take a stance of acceptance and gratitude. Many members who recover and heal ultimately feel grateful for the affair in that it was the catalyst for a transformation in themselves and/or their relationships. We can also be grateful for any redeeming factors that we may have, for example ...

1. If you do not have a health challenge (e.g. STD) due to the affair (this happens);

2. If you are not having to deal with custody/support for an out-of-wedlock child (this happens);

3. If you do not have to deal with a partner who is addicted to sex and needs serious treatment (this happens);

4. If the affair partner is not stalking and trying to hurt you personally in toxic, unpredictable ways (this happens);  

5. If you are not financially bankrupt, indebted and/or lose your home due to the affair (this happens);

6. If your partner did not take off immediately, never having expressed remorse, leaving no chance for reconciliation (this happens) … OR … if you do not have to deal with being triggered by your partner who has not left (this happens too)!

Rest Yourself

Balance recovery and rest by sensing when you are feeling and slowing down or taking a break. This can also apply to therapy, reconciling with your partner, talking about the affair, reading books on infidelity, taking courses, and more. At first, the betrayal will seem to dominate your life, but eventually you will be able to have little moments, and (eventually) entire days when you won’t think about it. Your progress is not only gauged by your capacity to let little bits of healthy “normalcy” back into your life, it depends on your ability to do so.

A Deeper Dive into Healing

This is just the beginning of your healing journey beyond infidelity. Seek out further resources and support by joining our free support group or accessing expert, experienced coaching to help you thrive beyond betrayal.